The most entertaining place to be in the wee hours of the morning on a weekend in Manhattan is The One train, and this tale, my friends, is proof.
Picture it: two young men board the train, one fabulous looking and the other fabulously drunk. The latter young man poses the question to his fellow passengers: "Are there ANY good-looking guys in this train car?"
All the women began scanning the scene. The men looked down at their hands and shook their heads. In truth, the situation was dire. There weren't any good-looking guys in sight. Playing the game I sometimes play with myself on the subway, called "Who in this car would I totally do if the world were ending right now", would have resulted in utter failure. That is, unless you counted the questioner's companion, who, as previously mentioned, was quite fabulous looking. I decided against voicing this opinion out loud.
No one volunteered an answer, so the drunken guy motioned toward a girl sitting on his left, who had until now been chattering away to her friend, and asked again: "Seriously, now. Are there ANY hot guys on this train? Do you see any?"
The girl looked around, raised her eyebrows, and shook her head, confirming Drunky's observation. "See that?? NO hot guys at all. I mean, I just want to take someone home. Not him"--he gestured toward his companion-- "I take him home every day." At this point, the fabulous-looking guy glared at Drunky and said something to him in a whisper.
"Come on, Miguel!" Drunky protested. "The other night you got drunk and acted stupid, and now I'm not allowed to be drunk and act stupid? Chill out. It's just that there are NO hot guys in here now. It's a sad situation, I'm serious. I have another question too. Does anybody in here like penis?? I know I like penis. I know somebody else in here must like penis."
Suddenly almost everyone in the train car became very interested in the pattern of the veins on their hands. "I mean, I like penis. I don't understand why nobody else in here is willing to admit that they like penis." At this point Miguel seemed somewhere in between laughing, trying to shut up his boyfriend using brain waves, and trying to disappear.
This scene somehow dragged on for several more minutes, until the young men arrived at their stop. Sadly, no one had been willing to take a stand for penis, but Drunky was not bitter, only merry. "Good night, fabulous straight people!" he cried as his boyfriend dragged him off the train. He watched the train pull away from outside the car, looking through the window and waving at us, his new-found straight people.
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