How can these things happen when I'm not around??

Although nothing can compare to The One train, strange things have also been known to happen on the cross-town bus in Harlem. Last spring, I bore witness to two eccentric characters engaging in a drawn-out conversation about one of them having been mugged the night before. The man who had been mugged was probably in his 50's, white, tall, with long, thin, wiry gray hair. He was wearing a wife beater and large white, square-shaped sunglasses to cover his black eye. The other man was of a slightly darker complexion, also around 50 but with some meat on his bones, wearing a gray fedora decorated with colored feathers and the rim turned up. Skinny and Fedora were long-time friends who had just run into each other on the bus that morning by chance, and Fedora seemed deeply distressed upon hearing of his friend's misfortune. In fact, for a long stretch of the conversation he seemed on the verge of tears. Skinny, on the other hand, was clearly uncomfortable with his misfortune being discussed for so long and so loudly. After awhile, I realized that there was too much good material in this conversation to hold in my mind all at once, so I naturally began taking notes. Here are some clips from the conversation:

Fedora: Man, I can't believe that happened to you, man. I just can't believe that. God, why do these things happen when I'm not there? You shoulda called me, man! Why didn't you call me?
Skinny: Nah, don't worry about it. I couldn't call, they were holdin me down. I woulda if I coulda.
Fedora: How can these things happen when I'm not around? You shoulda called me man, seriously, I woulda brought the [makes gun symbol with hand].

Fedora: Wait until my mother hears about this. She's gonna be so upset, I tell ya, she's gonna be so upset.
Skinny: Yeah, don't tell her, just don't tell her.
Fedora: Yeah, she's gonna be real upset. She's probably gonna start cryin.
Skinny: Don't tell her, man. Don't upset her.
Fedora: You know who else is gonna be really upset? George. George is gonna be real upset.
Skinny: Yeah, I know.
Fedora: George is gonna be so upset. Because me and you and George, we're like this... [makes "tight" symbol with fingers]

Fedora: Where did this happen to you?
Skinny: Right by C-Town, on Broadway, three youngsters.
Fedora: You mean it was a group of 'em? Aw, man, I can't believe it. I can't believe this could happen. What were they, were they black guys or somethin?
Skinny: Nah, three white guys.
Fedora: I can't believe that! I can't believe they were white guys! Why would white guys want to beat up a white guy? I could see if they were black, or Spanish.
Skinny: It don't matter to them.

Fedora: Man, your eye looks awful bad. Real bad. I can't believe they did that to you!
Skinny: Look at it this way, man. Shit happens. And it coulda been worse. This ain't nuttin.
Fedora: They probably got one good shot in. That's probably what happened. They got one good shot. And that's why your eye's red.
Skinny: Maybe. I think they kicked me.
Fedora: It looks bad, man. It looks real bad.
Skinny: It looks worse than it is. It don't hurt or anything.
Fedora: Oh, did you trim your beard? It looks jazzy.
Skinny: Thanks.
Fedora: I like it like that, you did a good job. It looks real jazzy.

Fedora: Sometimes I wonder about God. Why does he let these things happen?
Skinny: It don't have nothin to do with God.
Fedora: You know what I hope? You know what I hope happens to them?
Skinny: What?
Fedora: I hope their mother dies! And I usually don't say that. But I hope their mother dies. I really do.

Fedora: They might have been drug addicts, right? Crack addicts?
Skinny: Yeah, crack addicts, probably.
Fedora: They young kids?
Skinny: Yeah, they was pretty young.
Fedora: One of these days they gonna get what's comin to 'em. What goes around comes around. They gonna go up on the wrong person, and they gonna get it.

Fedora: George is gonna be upset. I can hear George right now. Cuz me and you and George is real tight. George is not gonna be happy. He's gonna say the same thing I did, let's go over there. But you're right, what am I talking about? They're not gonna be there.

Fedora: Oh, I know what happened. Cuz yesterday I gave you all those things, and you probably took 'em all, and you were like drunk right?
Skinny: No, no...
Fedora: Like, woozy, you know what I mean?
Skinny: Yeah. No, not really.